Building the New Conversations for Strategic Influence Workshop: A Moment of Sincere Gratitude

- by Al Ringleb

Lao Tzu, the ancient Chinese sage and philosopher, said: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear". Over the past two years, in developing a new Workshop entitled "Conversations for Strategic Influence", I have come to realize just how profound that seemingly simple saying is.

While the notion is always present in our day-to-day lives, residing quietly in the background of our minds, I came to realization that our inattentiveness to it means that many key moments of influence are needlessly forgone.

I have long cited the saying in advocating the learning benefits from an interactive classroom. But in those moments, I often found myself reflecting upon what might happen if we actively encouraged such a mindset to come to the forefront and embraced it outside the classroom; if we made ourselves attentive and open to the opportunities such a mindset might provide. Little did I know that I was about to unwittingly experience what that looks like and the important difference in can make. In reality, I unknowingly became the subject of my own experiment.

The story of our new Workshop begins several years ago as we developed our storytelling workshop LIVE 2 Influence. LIVE 2 trains students and executives in the art of storytelling. As a workshop developer, I was responsible for training our trainers. During that process, I noticed distinct differences among trainers in their ability to draw out powerful stories from their students. Upon reflection, I realized the key difference was in their effectiveness in providing feedback, more specifically in the conversational structure they employed. When asked about it, they were unaware of it so they were unable to explain it; it was just something they did. Still, through this distinctive structure, this pattern of communication, those trainers excelled at encouraging students to tell meaningful stories. With that ‘aha’ moment, my role shifted: I became a ‘student’ rather than a ‘teacher.’ What were the key components of this conversational pattern? What made it so much more effective in bringing about the results we were observing? How could we capture it and teach it to others? And, perhaps most importantly, where else was this pattern relevant and beneficial?

In exploring the ‘where else’ question, I observed that encouraging a counterpart to first tell their story often led to a more focused response by the other party; perhaps more importantly, it also made the counterpart both more willing to share information and more accepting of that eventual response. I readily admit that my test subject was my wife, Cristina, who upon seeing what I was doing and why, began using it in her own communications. We realized that by first taking the time to understand the counterpart’s story, we often discovered critical insights into their underlying motivations, allowing us to uncover and respond more appropriately to their true wants, needs, or desires. Moreover, through the lens of neuroscience, we observed that this process of encouraging others to speak openly helped build trust and psychological safety, motivating honest communication. It was an experiential learning experience that served to make real the words of Stephen Covey, author of the leading management book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:

“If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

In other words, shut up, listen, and observe before jumping to a conclusion, asserting your perspective, a perspective that very likely will take you down a path that has little or nothing to do with what your counterpart truly wants, needs, or desires. And if you insist on taking that path, then what? Regrets? Distrust? Damaged relationships? Lost influence? Sub-optimal deals? At least it gives you an opportunity to work on your approach to apologies or, in their absence, the opportunity to hire and train new employees.

That insight led me to appreciate how frequently our daily interactions with others in the workplace and beyond follow this "want, need, desire" pattern. For managers especially, interpersonal effectiveness depends heavily on our patience and willingness to first listen to others before sharing (ordaining?) our perspective. I recognized clear parallels between this realization and a negotiation course I was preparing to teach in the Spring of 2024 to our executives and MBA students. It seemed that a negotiation followed this conversational pattern. If so, then what if we focused attention in the course on developing the conversational tools and techniques the LIVE 2 trainers were using to encourage storytelling? Would those tools have the same impact in a negotiation environment?

So, rather than focusing the course fully on teaching traditional negotiation methods, I incorporated some of these new conversational insights, emphasizing the importance of first encouraging counterparts to share their narratives. The enthusiastic reception and meaningful feedback from my students inspired me to explore these concepts even further. Again, I found myself as their ‘student’, guided by the insights provided by that marvelous group of executives and MBAs who had unsuspectingly become my incidental ‘teachers.’ What would have been the outcome if I had simply ignored their insights? Their perspectives? Their stories?

With my curiosity peaked from this initial experience, I decided to refine the negotiation course further, estimating it naively that it would take no more than two to three weeks of additional effort (A clear example of ‘planning fallacy,’ a cognitive bias of which I am notoriously guilty). Yet one year later, I am still deeply engaged in developing this crucial to effectiveness communication approach—and still learning. And, importantly, fully realizing its importance and breadth of application. As I experimented with the tools and techniques, I was both in awe of their effectiveness and perplexed as to why they were not a key part of every student’s learning experience. But I am reminded of academia’s reluctance to wonder into such ‘training stuff’ by bringing to mind the fact that schools, and not just business schools but also law and medical schools, do not offer courses on such seemingly basic (but arguably indispensable) skills as decision making and problem solving. Both of those skills are fundamental to the response to your counterpart’s true want, need, or desire. So, if we do not know how to uncover our counterpart’s true want, need, or desire, and we do not know how to respond, how effective can we be regardless of our content expertise? Are we left to rely on trial and error? And what are the costs of those errors to our organization? Relationships? Reputation? In negotiation, we risk focusing on the ‘numbers’ and other rationale analyses and missing the deeper wants, needs, or desires of the parties –a suboptimal deal if we reach a deal at all.

Throughout this journey, I have been fortunate to benefit from the insights of a diverse group of other incidental "teachers," professionals who use these conversational tools regularly among many others – including, surprisingly, FBI hostage negotiators! Again, I , as the ‘student’, was ready. Collectively, we discovered the broad applicability of this ‘conversational’ approach, seeing that the pattern was inherent and relevant to over 100 types of typical managerial conversations—indeed, approximately 90% of managerial interactions follow this underlying pattern.

What gave it a sense of greater importance, even urgency? A McKinsey study highlighted that 75% of employees consider conversations with their managers to be a waste of time. Why? Often, as friends, colleagues, and parents, we simply do not take the time to listen and genuinely understand the motivations behind someone's request. And if they do not feel heard, do not feel listened to, then they also do not feel safe and secure in sharing information with us. And the result? Frustrated and disappointed friends, family members, and subordinates. In such moments, we must recognize our role as ‘students’ in such conversations and allow others to become our ‘teachers’.

So why share this story? It is for that very reason – our reluctance to recognize our role, as much out of a lack of awareness as it is out of overconfidence. And, thus, it has remarkably broad implications on our success as parents, friends, and leaders. We often overlook the countless opportunities to be ‘students’ simply because we do not take the time to listen. Equally, we also miss opportunities to offer valuable advice or encouragement that could deeply impact someone's life or career. Even a single meaningful interaction can have influence far beyond the individual at whom that interaction is directed. Yet, we sometimes remain silent, missing opportunities to become meaningful ‘teachers’ – whether those moments are in classroom environments where there is an expectation or in other, far more numerous, environments where it is not. The ripple effect of such missed opportunities is immense, often unseen, and certainly unappreciated, extending far beyond our immediate conversations. Again, Lao Tzu reminds us that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. But crucially, the ‘teacher’ must also choose to appear, and the ‘student’ must indeed be ready. Influence and its consequences do not happen in a vacuum. As colleagues, friends, and parents, we must remain attentive and open to such opportunities for both teaching and learning.

But perhaps most importantly, when we have genuinely benefited from the timely appearance of such incidental ‘teachers’ in our lives, we should take a moment to express our gratitude for how they have opened new avenues of thought. In that very respect, with deep appreciation, I offer sincere gratitude to the executive and MBA students in that negotiations course in 2024 and in the Conversations for Strategic Influence Workshop in 2025. As your ‘student’, your contributions opened new doors of thought and learning for me, allowing others to benefit from your roles as ‘teachers’ now and in the future. Consistent with the definition of success at CIMBA, you have truly made a difference.

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